Birth Mothers

Beginning already the first day we officially decided to adopt, Marc and I began to pray for our child and his birth parents. These people who we don't know and likely will never meet live a life completely different from ours. But the impact they will have on our life and are having on the life of our baby is so immense. We are filled with conflicting emotions. Sadness at the situation where they need to give their baby away and joy that we will receive a child.

We created this portrait of our baby's birth mother and chose this text for her and for our baby.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

Jeremiah 29:11

Our Father...

Today is Father’s Day and the wonderful father of my children is still sleeping soundly. He’s not sleeping in, I’m just up early. Sara and Leah too, are still sleeping. Sara on the top bunk, even though she’s still not sure it’s completely safe. Both of them slept through the night for the first time since we’ve put them up. The bunk beds are taking a little to get used to.

I’m not sure where my future son is right now. Following our potential timeline from Mission of Tears and the average age of adoption, it is possible that he is already born, in the first few weeks of oxygen-breathing life. He is perhaps tasting warm milk for one of the first times, sucking on his bottle every three hours, smelling of baby and milk, and sweetness. He is learning new smells himself and is being cuddled in cozy blankets by his caregiver. Or it is possible that his birth mom is still his home, his source of food, protection, warmth, that she is plagued right now with backaches, sore ribs from his relentless kicking and frequent trips to the bathroom depending on how hard he is pressing on her bladder.

I don’t know where our son’s birth mother is. I wonder how she is. How is she dealing with her decision to relinquish her son. Is she feeling the comfort and peace of Christ that we keep praying her way as we pray for our children, each night and even under our breath at random moments throughout our daily activities? Days like today, Father’s Day, and last month Mother’s Day must be very difficult for birth parents. They are mothers and fathers, but the day is not a celebrated one for them.

I don’t know where our son’s birth father is. Does he place his hands on the swollen belly of his partner and feel our sons (his and ours) kicks while his heart aches at his decision to say goodbye to the baby he won’t bring up? Or, does he know that his son exists? Is he carrying on with life, oblivious to the miracle of our child, an incredible gift of life from a loving and gracious God?
I pray on this Father’s Day, that our son’s other parents may be comforted with the love of our Father and theirs; that the Heavenly Father will lavish them with grace and peace, comfort and even joy in their sadness today and always.

We're Expecting!

We’re expecting a baby! It’s sometimes hard to keep that in mind. I don’t have an expanding belly and I don’t have morning sickness. No little creature is kicking me in the ribs and my belly button is firmly established as an “inny” with no real plan to protrude out in the near future. As much as I enjoy not throwing up every morning and relishing the smell of meat cooking, and being free from stretched ligaments, swollen ankles and getting pummeled from the inside out, we miss the excitement and anticipation and even the attention that comes with all that’s involved in pregnancy.

Instead of doctor’s appointments, we have meetings with our lawyer about immigration and citizenship, instead of prenatal class, we have PRIDE training, instead of aching feet at the end of a long pregnant day, we have aching brains from reading and researching. Ours is a different sort of pregnancy.

But it is exciting! We are preparing for a new little life in our family and these preparations make the arrival of our little guy seem possible and even probable!

Yesterday was an exciting day of preparations. We’ve been working on renovating Sara’s room, ripping out carpet, prepping, priming, and painting the walls, and finally, the big job of yesterday, installing the flooring and trim. Marc’s dad came down yesterday morning to help Marc install the floor. Amazing what a floor and trim do to finish a room.

With much joy and excitement on the part of Leah and Sara, Marc and “Grandpa” set up the bunk beds. The girls were actually excited to go to bed. New bunk beds in their new shared room!

Leah slept the entire night in her big girl bed, with no soother even! She feels very proud!

Now that Leah is mostly moved out of the baby room, our thoughts move to preparing it for our new baby. I’ve chosen stencils and stamps to decorate the walls, and am thinking of what to hang in the place of the baby quilt I made for Leah. We’re creating space in our house, and in turn in our lives, for our newest child, and this, in some way, is like its own kind of pregnancy.

Marc’s parents gave us a gift, not just a gift of time and tools and skills in the renovations, they actually brought a “gift” gift, a present, wrapped and everything. It was a cute little orange shirt decorated with crocodiles and little shorts – unmistakably, absolutely and 100%ly boys clothes. What joy! To open a present for our son, to imagine him chasing his big sisters in the back yard, crocodile patched orange shirt flying past us as he giggles and scrambles into the sandbox, and then turns to us with a big wide grin!

Nothing makes the adoption process seem more real than receiving a gift for the baby.

We’re expecting, and it’s really kind of cool. Although the wait is long, and the paperwork is endless, although we keep thinking we’re almost done, only to find out there’s a whole other process we hadn’t realized, we anticipate its completion. We look forward to that 20ish hour plane trip (our own sort of labour) which will end when Marc and I finally see the beautiful face of our child, our son. We’re expecting a baby, and I can’t wait!

"I know all about adoption; I was adopted" a little girl said. "What does adoption mean?" asked another child. "It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your Mommy's heart instead of her tummy."

Transracial Adoptions

This weekend we attended a seminar entitled "Visibly Distinct". It was about adopting transracially. We left Sara and Leah with our friends and theirs (Thanks Len, Lisa and Martin) and drove to Toronto (although we stopped in Milton to purchase a SUPER bunk bed, and cheap!) We visited with Opa Steenwyk and Aunt Jennie for the evening, spending the night at Aunt Jennie's. The following morning we were off to our seminar.

The seminar was led by Leila Junaid, a social worker in Toronto. It was wonderfully optimistic and encouraging. The most encouraging thing was to hear, from a black social worker especially, that we are doing the right thing. Transracial adoptions are for the most part very positive and wonderful things. In fact, Leila said that people who are adopted transracially actually demonstrate a better sense of identity, racially and otherwise, than people who are adopted by the same race. Wow! That was a surprise! The research is clear and substantial that this is true. The reason is that children who have been adopted transracially are forced to ask identity questions their whole life. It is obvious to them, and to everyone, that they are adopted. Although this makes the journey long and perhaps tiring, the end result is people who have come to terms with who they are and have developed pride in themselves and in their cultural and ethnic heritage. How great to hear this!

We also heard from Paulette, a social worker specializing in bereavement (also African-Canadian), and Sarah, an adoptive mother who has a wonderful 13 year old boy adopted from Jamaica 11 years ago. It was great to hear first hand the joys and struggles of transracial families.

All the attending couples were also adopting from South Africa and all in similar stages of the journey. One of the people attending we'd met at a previous seminar about South African adoptions. It was good to make some new contacts, and share experiences with others on similar journeys. We look forward to seeing some of them later this month at another event.

It was good for Marc and I to get away together and focus intensely, once again, on our adoption plans as well as to enjoy 6 hours of quiet time in the car together to think and talk and plan and dream. We had a great weekend.